


Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1884 

By F. E. DUMM, 
In the Office ot the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C. 



MR. BIVINS. 



A Comedy in Three Acts; 



Byre. DUMM. 

O -A. S T : 

Hon. B. Bivins. Esq.— Editor and Proprietor— Modest (?) 
Timothy Tipp-WIio rhymes in the name of Bivins— Ironicallv. verv 
cheeky. ' 

Lewis Jeffrey- Whose name is not Jeffrey Lewis-The Following 
Disgrace. * 

"Uncle" Jo. Johnson— An old timer. 
Dicky Dickins— The "Devil," 
Socrates Sock— A farmer, 
WooLY Sock— His son. 
Parson— The Shepherd of a woolly flock. 
Dora Dorcas— The Cause. 

Polly Paulding— Of whom Mr. Bivins is very fond. 
Aunt Amy— Who is troubled with a Following Disgrace. 
Anna Bivins -B's 'altogether lovely' sister. 
The Miller's Daughter. » 

Farmers. Cowboys, Milkmaids and Others. 



Act L 



SCENE 1.— A country printiaa; office. 
The backs of the oases tront the audi- 
ence, surrouiidinu a Fianklyn type- 
smasher. C. a table, upon which is a 
piitly luarle-up form. L. U. railed off, 
representing the' editor's sanctum. All 
the natural and ordinary paraphernalia 
of the backwoods printing office so into 
enliven this sta^ie setting. Joseph John- 
son on tir>t ca^e Enter D.cky Dickens, 
L. C. with broom and dust-pan. 

Dicky 

the song of the "devil." 

The printer's "Devii" at break of day 
Slips into his clothes and speeds away. 
With his keys of brass he opens the doors, 
Wits a worn-out broom he sweeps the floors 
And hustles a multitude of chores, 

And whistles the sohk of the "Devil." 

What will the Spriuij; Poet say to 
thiitV 

Jo (Looking over iiis c;ise) He 
wiil say like a spring poet or, as ti 
spriny; poet would say it, as he has 
often said before— iiem— ha! Sonny, 
have you any cliavving tobacco? 

Dick He will say, as say* a spring 
poet, or. said a spring poet, as .say 
you— "Sonny, have yon any chawing 
tobacco ?" As now say I; indeed, sir; 
a plug of it, with Avhich, sir, I will 
plug your says and saids. There! 
(Hands Jo a plug of exaggerated size 
nud picking up his stick handles it play- 
fully.) 

Jo VV hat kind o' plug is this? 

Dick That? It is a delicate brand 
and is called the sponge plug. 

Jo Eh! 

Dick It is not called the sponge 
plug because it is sponged, for that's 
the usual destruction of all plugs, 



but— beware it— filled with water, 
it swells. Indent it lightly— sponge! 

Jo Kogue, you! 

(Jo makes a feint of striking Dicky 
with the plug — Dicky dodges, drops the 
half-filled -stick' and runs toward L exit.) 

Jo Blacksmith! Pest you! Rough 
on rollers! Avast! 

(Is on the point of using the plug as a 
pellet; upon second thought takes a 
"chaw.") 

Jo You maker of "hell metal!" 
You— you type-smasher-you-Iook out! 

(Limps after and hurls plug at Dicky, 
Who ru-hes toward L exit and against 
Timothy Tipp vvho was aboi^t to enter, 
iioth are prostrated.) 

Jo Ha, ha! Now what says the 
Spring Poet? 

Dick (gasping) If-he-hasn't-any 
more-wiud-to- say-it- with-than-I-have 
he-don't -say-nothing! 
(Enter Tipp gasping and holding his 
sides.) 

Tip "Which of yOu have done 
this? Devil'-* 

Dick No, sir. How could I have 
done it whenl am already done for? 

Tirp^,;(falling into a chair) Prin- 
ter, a glass of water! 

Lick (falling into a chair) Prin- 
ter, put two straws in it! 

Jo I'll set up the obsequies of the 
one who sees me do it. (lifting Dick 
from the chair and shaking him) Now, 
blacksmith, pick up these type! Do 
you hear? 

Dick Yis sir. 

Jo Don't slip 'em through the 
ventilator! 

Dick You mean this crack in the 
floor? Yis sir. 

Jo Eh! 

Dick No sir. (aside) Down the 
crack theyfgo. 

(Dick crawls under the case, makes 
faces at Jo and disposes of the 'pi' in the 
quickest manner possible.) 

Jo Did it hurt, Tipp? Where 
did you feel it most? Egad, sir; how 



is it now? 
Tip It came like a cheain— 
Jo The devil he did! 
Tip And like a dream it passed 
away. 

Jo I'm (,'hid you feel better. 
Tip Printer, I don't feel better. 
Did you ever walk from your board- 
ing house — 

Jo Yes, and carried my baggage. 

Tip In summer time- 
Jo Late at night, sir. 

Tip When the lictle birds were 
singing overliead. when — 

Jo 1 jumped my board bill. 

Tip The soft undulating murmur 
of a babbling oro )k lulled nature into 
a quiet repose and. inspiration, like a 
glorious sun — 

Jo Rose ii'iove the cow sued. I 
see it now. 

Tip No. Fdled your mind, your 
lieart, your soul with i liythmical mu- 
sic, beyond the base, the comnion- 
place of terra flr ma. 

Jo Thai was next morning; tiie 
landlord was furious. 

Tip It was any morning. You do 
not catch the drift. 

Jo Tiien I'll drift into it, sir. 
(turns his back to Tipp) Push me! 

Tip Thus floating mid this pleas- 
ant scene — 
Art forming thoughts and words 

in line — 
A devil comes to steal away — 

Jo What? 

Tip The last line of my poem on 
Jersey Cattle. (rises) It departed 
with my breatii but it did not return 
with it. 

Jo Have you any chawing to- 
bacco ? 

Tip No. sir; I never chaw, [aside] 
Man is f(jolish when he tries to feed 
honey to old timers. 

Jo [aside] Eh! Then he must 
need swallow a pill before each meal. 
Egad, look at him! I always thought 
him dyspeptic, he spits up poetry ex- 



temporaneously ; yea, and often before 
it's properly digested. Well, Black- 
smith ! 

Dick That's the last of 'em. 

Jo Get to your case! 

Dick Yis "sir. 

(Tipp takes a position in the Editor's 
Sanctum— Uncle Jo le-couimerices work 
aftP!- examining the ventilator— lil<ewise 
Dickey, who looks over his case, grima- 
ces at Jo and pehs him with type.) 

BiviNs (within) Come in, Polly! 
Eh! Why. come in! I want to show 
you ray latest, on Jersey Cattle Beau- 
tiful subject! Beautiful poem! (en- 
ter Bivins followed by Polly Pauld- 
ing) I'm going to seiid it to China 
and have it set to music. Did you 
ever hear a Jersey calf warble ? Eh '? 
Course you have. Beats anything; 
don't it? You ought to hear a Chi- 
nee! Stupendous? Well! You can 
sign your cross-bones to those yellow 
sons of rice every day in the week. 
They've got old Vesuvius to give 'em 
a lift, (crosses) Hello, Tipp! Tipp, 
ray dear fellow, where is Jersey cattle? 

Tip In your pocket, Mr. Bivins. 

Biv [fumbling in his pockets] 
How could I do without you, Tipp. 

Tip [aside] I contracted a ner- 
vous niffhtmare composing Jersey 
Cattle and now he steal.-, tlie control- 
ing stock of it. Poor, modest Tipp! 

Pol Can't you hnd it, Mr. Bivins? 

Biv All, here it is. 

In pastures green and medows fair, 
Tne Jersey Cattla chew their cud. 

And midst the 

brickdust— britches— pantaloons ! No ! 
Excuse me! 

birches ! 
That's it! 



That's the h'essence of poetry. Isn't 
it lifting? Do you know the senti- 
ment reflects your image to me mind? 

Pol La, do it, sir? 

Biv Do it? My dear girl, it do. 
Nothing like poetry, Polly; nothing! 
Take it blank or scatter verse, shell- 



sh'.it or broadcast, it's poultry just the 
suae. Cultivate it, Polly; cultivate 
it! Sleep on it, dream on it and wake 
up in tl»e morning and glue ittogether! 

Pol But. sir; I don't know liow. 

Biv Wliat u!i K-quiv-o-cal simplic- 
itv! I'll give you lessons. I'm one 
of the !)ldscliool, I am. I'm a daisy! 
ril j^ive you a pointer, (turns, coughs.) 

Tip (aside) He had better take 

.-O'liP. 

Pol It's kind o' vou, Mr. Bivins. 

Biv Tut, tut, Polly; tut. tutl -I- 
shall only be elevating a beautiful art 
by carving your name upon the 
lieisfhts, a foot-and-a-h'alf below mine! 

Tip (aside) Brass added to 
•'wluickery !" 

Biv You'll iiave an --excellent 
tutor, excellent! And 1 don't brag, 
Polly; not I — but I want it distinctly 
understood, I have built a stupen- 
dous repiitatiiin ..- ■ 

DiUK (comming forward) Copy! 
Copy! Copy! 

lip [aside] Upon my gen'us, at 
six dollars a weeK. 

Biv Mr. Tipp, wl)ere is tlie obse- 
(]uies I wrote last night for Jones? I 
1 think it is in yoiir pocket, Mr. Tipp; 
in fact, Mr. Tipp, I am pretty sure (jf 
it. (turns and coughs ) 

Tip Yes, Mr. Bivins. 

Biv Give it to the "devil." Polly, 
I never glided so naturally into obse- 
<iuies as last niglit. I liked old Joiies 
— hi' was a good old cuss, and even if 
he ilid sliip iiis father to the Poor 
House and crippled his wife's mother, 
and too stingy to wear socks — I gave 
him a wonderful send-off: Silvery 
banks, golden parapiiernalia, Ga-bre- 
al, witli !iis tuba, locked arms witli 
Peter with liis big brass key, and 
Jones beliind tlie Kider on the Pale 
Horse, galloping up the broken steps 
ot "Nvmbust". But don't tell any- 
body. I'm modest, I am. I know I 
can knock tlie breath outol. any par- 
son in America writing obsequies; but 



I don't want it known. No getting 
over it, Polly, I'm too modest; but I'm 
a daisy on obsequies, ain't I, Mr. Tipp? 
(turns and coughs.) 
'■ Tip Yes, Mr. Bivins. (aside) He 
never wrote one in his life. Polly, if 
you had lialf a wit, you'd see my gen'- 
us struggling through the rise and fall 
of "Jersey Cattle" and Jones' recom- 
mendation for paradise, at six dollars 
a week. 

J>iv [after fumbling in his pock- 
ets.] Polly, you see this letter? 

Pol Course, sir. 

Biv I have a wealthy —extremely 
vvealtliy aunt; and aristocratic, too. 

Pol La, sir. 

Biv And a deliciously beautiful 
and accomplislied neice. 

Pol I want to know ! 

Biv Who is the daughter of my 
aunt's sister and my aunt's brother-in- 
law — botli deceased. 

Pol How sad! 

Biv Sad? It's outrageous! You 
are sure you see this letter? 

Pol Yes, sir, is it a slight o' hand 
trick? Now you see it, now you don't"'' 

(All rash forward to see the trick, look- 
im,' over I3's shoulder.) 

Biv Oh, no, no! Y'ou confound- 
ed idi )ts; back to your kennels! Mr. 
Tipp, I'm ashamed of you! Now, my 
dear girl, come as close as you possibly 
can ? The letter is opened. 

Pol So it is. 

Biv It says— if it were not opened, 
it would say nothing— you grasp? 

Pol With both hands, sir. 

(Dick throws type at Uncle Jo and hits 
Bivins.) 

Biv [cr )sses] Mr. Tipp, remem- 
ber I pay you six dollars a week!°I am 
thunderstruck, sir; but I forgive you. 

Tip I beg yonr pardon, Mr. B? 

Biv Siiut up! Excuse me! Well, 
this letter says: 

Dear Nephew:— Your cousin, Dora, who, 
as you know, has been polishing her educa- 
tion in a female seminary, has fallen Into a 



slight disjfrace; which, as I take it, is a queer 
mishap for a female seminary of belles lettres. 
However, on account of this precipitation, 
I have for various reasons thought it neces- 
sary, with her, to make you and your sister 
a visit; tor the disgrace, like the unusual 
run of disgraces, is a Following Disgrace. 
Expect us at any moment. 

Your affectionate Aunt, 

Amy. 
P. S.— How is the Bull Dog? 
Tit id's What it says, Polly. 

Poi. It be nitlier siniiige, Mr. B. 

Biv iSuaiige! Polly, 1 have a stu- 
pendous inind. 1 can tUiiik of twenty 
things as welhisoue — sometimes. You 
nave ollen noticed that; othei' people 
nave noticed it, too; but on this par- 
licular occasion— 1 pass, I am pushed 
against the stump; literally, [ am N G. 
U'nat is a following disgrace? it is a 
.iisgrace that follows.- What's that? 
(jrlVil it up! 

Pol i feel sorry for the young 
lady. 

Biv And I have several lachre- 
lu lis for the following disgrace. 

Pol Do you tliink it's man or wo- 
man? 

Biv That's an idea! Disgrace 
tliat follows a man or woman. Let 
me see. Woman follows man — no, 
inai; loUovvs woman! Co'rse it's a 
mm; because man is a following dis 
gr.ice, when he follows a feminine- 
seminary, an actress, a circus, oi', 
whaL not? That's it; wiiat not? My 
dear girl, 1 grasp. All you've got to 
lo witli Bivuis, is to touch the right 
spot aii'l watch the truth pop out 
beautifully. And you're the girl to 
do it; yed you are, Polly — co'rse you 
are. 

Pol You're tiattering, sir. 

Biv "Why should the poor " 

,SocK (within) Stand around thar, 
dern ye! Whoa! 

Biv (crosses) Excuse me! Here 
comes my old friend — Um ! Hang me 
ir I know his name, and he'll stop the 
paper if I don't. What's that fellow's 



name, Tipp? That 'un that's getting 
out o' the wagon? 

Tip Don't know him, sir. 

Biv Olor! Going. Polly? Good 
moringi Call again, Polly! 

Pol Good morning! (exit.) 

Biv Ta, ta! Delicious Polly! 
Xow, Tipp, get that fellow's name. 
Make no mistake, Tipp; mind you, no 
mistake. 

Tip All right, sir. 

(Blvins goes behind sanctum, and looks 
over— aociates Sock enters with his arms 
full of squash.) 

Soc Is yer editor in ? 

Tip No, sir; unless, sir — unless I 
am the editor. 

Biv [aside to Tipp] No self- 
praise necessary, Mr. Tipp. 

Soc Y''er tlie fellow that ploughs 
up them pottery biznesses, hain't yun ; 
thet kind o' makes my gals go topsy- 
turvy like, an' sich stuff — be an'tyou? 

Biv (to Tipp) Mr. Tipp! 

Tip a slight mistake, sir; the ed- 
itor of the Bull Dog— Hon. B. Bivins. 
Esq. Do you prefer hexametre or iam- 
bic measure? 

Soc Don't know 'em, sir; never 
heard of'em,but I suppose Pd take 'em 
by the bushel, Pm so dern liberal. Do 
you like squash? 

Biv (to Tipp) Swim out, Tipp! 

Tip Yes, I am very fond of squash ; 
it's quite a poetical flower, John, Pe- 
ter, Henry— eh! Um, what the d— 1 
is your name? How's your brother? 

Soc T haven't got any brother. 

Tip No? 

Soc And my name hain't Jolin, 
nuther. Don't you Irnow me? I've 
lived in this county over forty yea is — 
I wus here 'fore the Injuns wus. Fm 
an old settler, I am. Mr, Bivins 
knows me; he knows me well. 'An 
you don't know who I am? 

Tip I beg your pardon ! 

Soc Well, I'll tell you— my name 
is Socrates Sock — Democrat; School 
Director of District No, 6, and hentlu— 



Biv (rushing forward) My ol.l 
friend, Socrates; how are you, Sock.' 
Glad to see you! How's your daugh- 
ters''' Lovelv girls, .Sock — lovely I 
And tlie old woiuan — wonderful old 
JSocU she— eh! 

Soc Been dead these fifteen years. 

Biv Poor old soul; co'rse she has. 
Ail, Sock, it seems hut yesterday her 
gentle spirit made a raise! Come in 
to pay your subscription! Cr'rse yon 
,liti_ha, lia; you can't fool Bivins— 
not much ! Bull Dog's booming. Sock . 



booming, iKiommg, 



Thaf 



the word! Give us your hand on the 
next President! (Sock drops the 
squash.) Never mind, Sock; never 
vnind— there, there, excuse me! (Ileli's 
Sock gatlier up tlie squasii.) 

Soc; Don't mention it! 

Biv You're a wonderful man. 
Sock— wonderful! Yoii never knew 
that before; did you'? You're too 
modest, you are. No getting over it. 
Sock, you're stupendous! Everyijody 
knows that! Got a stupendous fami- 
ly, and lots o' money, too— you old 
rascal— heaps of it! And so yon 
came in to pay your subscription? 
I'm glad ti> see vou! 

Soc With squash, Mr. Bivins- 
with squnsii. 

Biv S.jck, my most esteemed fel- 
low citizen, look at me? I have my 
pr )foundest sympatliies mixed up in 
squash, turnips and cord-wood, but 
the desire in their direction has been 
happily attended to. 

Soc Then you don't want 'em'? 

Biv There is an argument in the 
case. Sock. "Judge not least ye Ije 
judged," but judge further on. 1 can 
not pay Mr. Johnson with squash- 
can I Jo? 

Jo [looks over case and spits.] No. 
I'd rather exist on promises. 

Biv Nor the "Devil," with squash 
— can I Dicky ? 

Dick I'm willin' to take most any - 



tiling, but we don't keep cows. 

Biv Smart boy. Sock — deucedly 
smart! Nor Mr. Tipp. with squash — 
can I, Mr. Tipp'? 

Tip No, sir! 

Biv But it being you, Sock— my 
dear old Socrates; whom I have known 
for so many years; pile your squash 
on tliat table yonder, (crosses) My 
ilear Tipp, that's the 21st, and I hope, 
sir, the last farmer who will be in 
tills week to feed the liull Dog squash, 
lle^ can't stand it much longer. Tipp — 
lip'll get squaiiiish- he'll be belching — 
mark it! 

.So<; You'll find these good squash, 
my boy. Wooly gipw 'em. 

J3iv" [aside] D^m his boy, Wooly ! 
I to Sock] I flatter myself, Mr. Sock; 
i hatter myself! 

(Sock piles the squash upon a partly made 
up forin "pllng" it— type rattle upon the 
Huor.) 

Dick (to Sock) Dog gone you,''git 
out! (cominc forward) lor'! 

J(» (coining forward) Blaeksmitli, 
wliat now! 

l)i\' (crosses) Shut up-shut — 

Ilrllo! 

Dick O lor', O lor' ; he dropped the 
s(|uash upon the form and tlie form is 
squaslied! 

Jo The Devil take him! Hare 
'ein manufacture themselves into 'ni ! 
(All rush back to table.) 
Soc i reckon Pve struck a stump, 
Mr. Bivins. 

Biv Reckon'? Well. I should say 
you liave. (looks over the form) Git 
i)ut! 

Soc You can mend it in no time. 
Biv Mend thunder, sew lightning 
together, cut a pigeon- wing on a rain- 
bow! Git out, yon holy Sock, you 
woolly Sock; unwashed, unbleached^ 
uncarded Sock— you— git out! Pll 
run vou through the Courts, sir! Pll 
glut over yon in the Common Pleas, 
ril sit on vou in the District, and I,ll 



squash you in the Supreme— you long- 
.egged Sock — you Balraoral. you! Git 
out, git out, git out; I'll put you out! 
Bivins throws off his coat, and taking Sock 
ay the shoulders, pushes him toward L. exit- 
Mr. Tipp lends his assistance.) 

Soc Mr. Bivins, I'll Iiave uiy boy, 
Wooly, at ye; I'll have my boy, VVooly, 
at ye! 

Biv D — m your boy, Wooly, and 
vour squash, too! You cross-grained 
sea- weed! You! Git out! [llirows 
limout, and the squash after him.] 
rhere, there, there ; you rogue of ho- 
siery ! 

Soc (outside) I'll git my boy 
VVooly at ye; dern me! Wooly! 
Wooly ! Wooly ! 

Biv [crosses] We'll never get out 
Lhis week, Tipp; never! Tlie Whip- 
jrwill's going to tlirow us m tlid 
shade, and all for a-a-a — damme. Mr. 
Tipp -damme, sir; asquasli! 

Dick What shall we do, sir? 

Biv Work, boy, work! Improve 
time; invent time— stop the sun, stop 
the moon, stop the press, stop every- 
thing; and work, work, work! Jump 
into that 'pi' and iiustle, boy! 

Dick Yis, sir. [goes back] 

(Enter Lewis Jeffrey.) 

.Jef Could I see the editor? 

Biv Who are you? You're his boy. 
Wooly, ain't you? (grabs him by tlie 
collar) You come around to lick the 
editor, you young, lialf-cotton, seam- 
less, bow-legged Sock, you! You did, 
didn't you? Ha, ha! 

Jef My dear sir, you have made a 
mistake. 

Biv Pardon me; I believe it, sir. 
Who are you ? 

Jef My name is Lewis, my trade, 
printer; my wants, employment. 

Biv Holy Jolin Henry, come to my 
arms, (embrace) You're a printer, 
you are? You want work — must 
have it, sir; would starve if you did,nt 
get it! Eh? Come to my arms! [em- 



brace] Pull off your coat, your vest, 
your pants! Xo, no; I'm all — excuse 
me — excited, sir! You see, sir; but, 
pshaw, you don't see it. Come here, 
I'll show it to you. Come here, come 
here, come here! [drags him be.ck to 
the "pi." Look at it, sir; look at it! 

Jef Quite a wreck, sir. 

Biv Look at it. There is one of 
the spicest,derndest Democratic forms 
that was eversetdown upon. Don't 
ask how, when or where, but dive in- 
to it. (coming forward) Tipp, Pm 
going to buy a bull dog to ventilate 
the pantalets of tlie next farmer who 
comes in here witii squash. 

Tip Our wants demand a dozen. 

Biv [picking up paper] I'll write 
out an 'ad' for a gross. 

Tip Please don't use that paper? 

Biv Why not? I want bull dogs 
opposed to squash, (writes) 

Tip That's the first act of my Five 
Act Drama. 

Biv Eh? 

Tip Mv Five Act Drama. 

Biv What do you call it? 

Tip It's French, sii-,and it is called 
Billy, the Boy Spider, or The 
Vampires of Pakis. 

Biv Billy, the Boy Spider; that's 
very good. Is it emotional, tragedy, 
comedy or pastoral? 

Tip It is a little mixed, Mr. B. 
Tlie leading lady gets sick. 

Jo (looking over his case) So will 
the audience. 

Biv And dies, Mr. Tipp? 

Tip Oh, no; she feels better after 
a while. 

Jo (same play) But tlie audience 
never recovers. 

Biv If you want to make Billy, the 
Boy Spider a success, I would advise 
you to kill the leading lady in the last 
act, I'll let you read it to me. Tipp. 
It's confering a favor, I know; but no 
one shall ever say that Mv. Bivins was 
stingy. We are going to have a pic- 



nic, Monday, if my Aunt Amy comes. 
We'll ste^il a march on 'em, and I'll 
give you a few pointers. What's the 
leading lady's name? 

Tip Dora. 

Jef (aside) Dora! 

Biv Delightful Dora! That's 
good, Mr. Tipp; very good! I'll be a 
great man someday if you only con- 
tinue in our glorious art. 

Tip (aside) At six dollars a week! 

(Coach horn outside and coach.) 

Biv (crossing to L.) Here comes 
the coach! 

Tip And its stopping in front of 
the office! (crosses to L.) 

CoAGiniAN (outside) Whoa, thar! 
Dern you! W-l>-o-aI 

Biv There's my AuntAmy! 

Jejf (wlio has come forward.) And 
rav dear Dora! 

Biv [to Jef .] How's that, printer? 

Jef (showiiiff copy) Wliat is this 
word, sir? 

Biv Don't know— ask ^I'ipp? 
There's little Dorcas! Isn't she delic- 
ious! I'm coming, Aunt Amy— I'm 
coming! (exit.) 

Jef Dora, Dora, my scheme is 
working, working, working! 

Tip How. sir? 

Jef What is tills word? Sciieme? 

Tip Confusion! No! Jersey Cat- 
tle don't give schemes. Cream! 

Jef Thanks, [goes hack to case, 
Tipp crosses to sanctum.] 

Coachman (outside) Gee long! 
Huzzah! Git— dern ye! 

Biv (outside) My dear aunt; 
Glad to see you! You're looking like 
a cowslip! How's everybody? 

Amy (outside) Well. Billy. 

Biv (outside) And dear me, my 
little cousin, Dora! Talk about holly- 
hocks an' rose buils; you're positively 
delicious! 

Dora (outside) 60 you're my 
cousin ? 

Biv (outside) Co'rse I am ; and, 



dern me, if I hain't proud of yc 
Come in! 

(Enter Bivins, foUoweil by Aunt Amy a 
Dora. 

Biv You're welcome to the clasi 
— you're welcome, co'rse you a 
And we're going to make it pleasa 
for you, you bettei- guess! We'll ha 
picnics, picnics and picnics, and — 
(Dora winkri at .lyttrey.) 

Biv Dora, my dear cousin, doi 
wink at tiie printers: it hhint allow( 
He's a new one, little Dorcas; but h 
prtividential — al). but he is! 

DouA He's peiieetly horrid, a 
it's perfectly Iiorrid to •<ay I wink 
at liim! 

Biv He's outrageous, Dora, and 
am I. 

Amy [R] Billy, what a cosy ( 
lice you have. 

Biv Billy! AVhat simplicity! 
flatter myself, aunt; I flatter myst 

Amy And whc-.t a nice young ge 
tleman in the second box! 

DouA Nice, Aunt Amy; how c 
you say so? 

Amy Sissy, don't talk back to yo 
relatives! Billy, who is he? 

Biv (aside) Dern me if the c 
lady hain't wrecked, tool (to Am 
You see, aunt, lie's — he's providenti 
You're welcome. Aunt ! Come, wt 
go to tlie iiouse! Anna's awaiti 
your coming witii outstreaclied arn 
(to Dora) Anna's, my sister, and sh( 
a daisy; hain't she, Mr. Tipp? 

Tip Yes, Mr. ]5i\ ins. 

Biv Co'j-se slie is! Come tl 
way. (crosses L.i 

Doranod.'^ tn .K-tt'rey. . 

WooLY [outsi<le) Wliere's t 
man thet hit ray dad I Whar's t 
cad thet schizzers it yar'I Show '( 
to me! 

Biv That's his boy, Wooly! 
Bivins takes off his coat and vest. 

Wool (entering— to Tipp) A 
ye the Editor? ,\reyetheman tl 



Tipp emmerges from the "shower"— Aunt 
Amy, Uncle Jo. and Dicky come to the rescue 
with their lungs. 

Biv Pardon me! I hope I find you 
cool ! This is the way the Bull Dog 



lammed my poor old dad''' Are ye? 

Wooly gi-abs papers, books, ink-stand, etc 
and showers them over Tipp's head— B. gets 
behind Wooly— takes off his collar and ties 
his suspenders about his waist. 

Biv I'll shoAV him who the editor barks— excuse me! 
is! The idea of taking Tipp for the 
editor! Excuse me. ladies! 

All come forward. Bivifls takes Wooly by 
the shoulders, throws him down, places his 

foot upon him and strikes a gladiatorial at- ihttrt A TV 

titude— Jeffrey hurriedly embraces Dora— LUIjIAIIN. 



THE PICNIC, 



ACT II. 



Scene I.— Wood scene— river at back with 
bank of sufficient height to conceal a per- 
son—Settees and rustic benches (R) and (L.) 
Enter Uncle Jo and Dicky with flsh-poles and 
bait can. 

Jo (R) Huzzah! You young ras- 
cal, come here! (Enter Dick) Look 
here, young 'un, this is the last time 
you go lashing with me. (going back) 
Come, come, now, we will throw in 
^ here and await developments. 

Dick And the picnicers, Uncle Jo. 

Jo Never mind, boy, we hain't 
tied! Anyv/ay, there's more river 
where this comes from. 

Dicky throws in. 

Dick Here goes for 

(sings) 

A a fiah without a tail, 
A stiip with out a sail, 
A sturgeon in a gale, 
A minnow for a whale! 
Tra, la, la, a whale; tra. la, la, a whale! 
Tra, la, la : tra, la, la ; tra, la, la, a whale I 
Fishy, fishy, from thy nork, 
At the bottom of t!ie brook, 
With a sideway, hniigry look- 
Nab the sweetmeat of my hook ? 
Pull it under, 
Take it yonder, 
Make no blunder. 
Goto thunder! 
And I'll land you here, my finny fish ! 

Jo (threatening with his pole) 
Stop your noise, boy! I won't have 
it! The occasion requires quiet; and 
quiet we should have, must have and 



shall have, boy. 
Dick So say I, Uncle Jo • and so 

says 

(Sings.) 
A fish without a tail. 

Jo Pest, you; I've a notion to throw 
you in! We'll never get a bite — nar- 
ry a nibble! Sonny, did you spit on 
your bait? 

Dick No, sir; I chaws tobacco, 'an 
I've respect for the feelings of the fish 

Jo Young'un, you're a blacksmith ! 
Do you think — or, don't you, if you do 
— that a fish doesn't know his man by 
the flavorof the bait— then spit! (spits) 
The bait alone is, perhaps, as good; 
but fish, in some respect, have fallen 
into the iiabits of our best society — 
they will not recognize a man in na- 
ture's coat— therefore, spit! (same 
play) You can not clad your bait in 
in a Prince Albert nor a roundabout; 
for, behold, the bait like the man is 
not seen— spit again! (same play) Or, 
if you should have conveniently a bot- 
tle of "Rose Water— "(produces bottle) 

Dick That's brandy. Uncle Jo! 

Jo Take out the cork— thus; hold 
it— thus; tip it— thus; and then— spit! 

Dick Don't drink it. Uncle Jo? 

Jo What's the matter, sonny? 

Dick Did you ever read that little 
poem whicli wonders: 

How many who now are belov-ed and 
great, 

How many who now at the head of the 
State, 

How many whose thoughts have enlight- 
ened the race, 

Whose songs have been sung in a God- 
given place; 

How many whose antht-m in present and 
past 

Ha^ been but the dirge of a worthless out- 
cast, 
Have whistled the song of the "Devil ?" 

And why is it that some are looked 

up too, and some hain't. Uncle Jo? 

It's "rose water" you take —thus; hold 

— thus; tip— thus; it's the bane of the 



printer! 

Jo Sonny, who told you that? 

Dick My mother. Uncle Jj. 

Jo You're ;i ra'^Ctil, boy ; and your 
motiier — well, slie's pretty near an 
angel! Hold mv pole? I'd liurl this 
lire to its native place. I'll never drink 
aa-ain! (goes behind a tree and takes 
adriiik.) iSTev-'r, jiever! (comes back) 
Sonny, you take your mother's advice. 
There's more common sense in it for 
you than you'll find in an encyclo- 
paedia; heap more, Sonnv. 

Dick .\nd for you. TIncle Jo. 

Jo No, boy ; I'm too old! I'm ,jM 
enough to i)e voiir niotlier — I im-'aii.rm 
an old rascal! Hist, there! I've a 
nibble! 

Enter Lewis Jeffrey and Dora right. 

UoRA There will be no difficidties? 
Everythingis prepared— are you sure? 

Jef Everything, dear; even the-- 
(shows her Mie marriage license.) Are 
yuu afraid of it; are you frightened? 

DoR.v Was never braver in ray lifn 
—and, to-morrovsf, Lewis! 

Jef N'oi, tomorrow, Little Dorcas 
— this afternoon. 

Dora It seema the time will never 
come ! 

Jef (embraces her) It's only a 
few hours hence. 

Jo [aside] That's further than 1 
am. Fish won't bite under the pies- 
ent circumstances! Ahem! 

Jef So, so, my elo Johnson, my Jo 
John! ('orae here, sir? 

Jo Can't, got a bite. 

Jef (going back) You saw— saw- 
Jo 2^"o, sir; I felt it. 

Jef Tiie bite? Certainly. Miss 
Dorcas, my esteemeil and worthy 
friend, Mr. Joseph Johnson- 

Dora My dear sir, this is an un- 
expected pleasure. 

Jo The same to you. Miss. 

Jef Johnson, you will do me a 
favor? 

Jo Oh, sir; but the tish lias slop- 



ed biting. He has the bait. 

Jef Will you meet me in Pleasant 
Hollow at 5 o'clock, this afternoon? 

Jo That's a mile and a half on the 
other side of Pleasant Chapel? I have 
a nibble, sir; but it pulls hardly strong 
enough to hook it. I will, sir! 

Jef Thanks! A close mouth is 
suggestive of a great mind; yon have 
luid a dream— forget it! 

Jo A nightman:, sir; the nibble is 
l)e(;omiug substantial. 

Jef You'll accompany him. Dick? 
As they say it at the theatre, "I will 
requite thy loves." 

Dick All right, sir. Here come 
the pienicers! 
Uncle Jo and Dicky get under the bank. 

Jef [with Dora coming forward] 
Remember the play! 

Biv [withiii] Here's an excellent 
place to lop! Natures hand's here — 
Oh, Nature, beautiful Nature! Isn't 
that a poetic idea? No suakes here. 
.Aunt; no snakes here! Take Bivins' 
word fo! ii, lie can smell a snake. as 
■sooM as lie sees it. Quiet here and 
shade, too! 

Enter Bivins, carrying a very small basket, 
followed by Aunt Amy, Tipp— loaded with 
every conceivable kind of basket— Polly B. 
and Anna B. 

Tip Here's where the ferries 
dance at mid-night, witii hats of but- 
tercups, and wands so light and airy — 

Biv Mr. Tipp, allow me! (halids 
him his Ijaskei.) 

Tip With plea.sure. Mr. Bivins! 

Biv And here they poise upon the 
cowslip, Aunt, and with horn and 
pipe of dandelion, awake the King 
Bull-frog reposing in the brook, and — 

Tip Troops of little forms circle 
oer their 'ih^ i Is with lyre and harp, 
communing sweetest harm(>ny to the 
sleeping nature iierea bouts, and — 

Biv Ml'. Tipp, drop it! I mean 
the liaskets. [to Dora R. C] My 
dear coz, you gave us the slii»— yes 
voudid! Where's the cause; in- 



troduce hiin to me! Tut, tut, don't 
lilush! You rogue, you! [to Jeffrey] 

Dora (L. C.) Come here, coz! 

Biv (aside) Coz! She likes me! 
Well, dear ; what is it? 

Doha I have been terribly bored ! 

Biv Now have you, coz! 

Dora And I have been very lone- 
some, too; without you, Mr. Bivins. 

Biv 1 was sure of it. (aside) I'm 
positively irresistible! Tell me, dearie, 
wlio has disturbed the hilarity of the 
occasion V Call me coz. 

Dora Not exactly tliat, Mr. Bivins 
—I mean, coz — merely an annoyance, 
you know — that's all. Say. coz; I sus 
picioii him. (points at Tipp.) 

Biv Is that so! 

Dora Yes, I suspicion him. 

Biv So you said. 

Dora Hist! Watch him! 

Pol (Coming forward) I hope I 
do not interrupt you! (sarcastically) 
Aliss Dorcas I want to show you a 
pretty picture along the opposite bank 
of the river. You'll excuse her, Mr. B? 
Dora bows and is led back by Polly. 

Biv Certainly! (aside) There's 
anotlier girl who likes me, 'an she's de- 
licious, too. 

Jef (coming forward) Mr. Bivins, 
you do not seem to be enjoying your- 
self? It's not to be wondered at, con- 
sidering the possibility— 

Biv (confldential) Say, do you 
suspicion anybody? 

Jef Mr. Tipp, sir. 

Biv Ha, ha! 

Jef (mysteriously) Hist! Watch 
him! (returns to B. C.) 

Biv Something's wrong; some- 
thing's wrong, and Bivins' the man to 
get at tiie bottom of it. 

Bivins goes back, and leads Tipp to L. F. 

Biv (mysteriously) Hist! 

Tip (same play) Hist! 

Biv (C) That won't do' sir! Mr. 
Tipp, look at me! Don't you squint, 
nor gaze aslant! Bah, sir; I see 



through you! 

Tip [astonished] You don't say! 

Biv Pshaw, Mr. Tipp; you can't 
crawl out of this like a crawfish! I 
suspicion you ! 

Tip [frightened] Is that sc! 
Bivins leads Tipp within range of Jo's line. 

Biv Hist! 

Tip Hist! 

Biv It's going to bust! 

Tip Eh! 

Jo throws a fish upon Bivins. 

Biv Olor'! It's busted! 
Tip Boom! Huzzah! 

All come forward. 

Jo [coming forward] That's my 
Hsh! J^ook out, you'll step on it! 

Biv (angerly) Johnson, where 
did you come from, wliere have you 
been and what are you doing? 

Tip Yes, printer; what are you do- 
ing ? 

Biv Ml. Tipp! 

Tip Mr. Bivins. 

Biv Shut up! 

Jo [holding up tlie tish] Mr. 
Bivins, isn't he a beauty ''^ 

Biv Isn't my sleeve a beauty? 
There's blood on it, 'an scales, too! I 
wouldn't have had this happen for 
hfty dollars! .I'm astonislied at you, 
Johnson, I am, indeed— positively as- 
tonished — but I forgive you, sir. 

Tip Ditto, prhiter. 

Jo Bah ! 

Biv It would be quite a relief, Mr. 
Johnson ; but never mind, stay where 
you are— we can move Mr. Jolmson, 
we can move! 

Tip Yi s, printer, we can move. ' 

Biv Mr. Tipp! 

Tip Mr. Bivins. 

Biv Shut up! 

Jo Thank you both. I hope you 
won't find me ungraetf ul. 

Jo recontinues flshing— All go back to L.B. 
—Tipp with Anna; Bivins with Aunt Amy. 

Biv My dear Aunt, you look posi- 
tively, perfectly and completely done 



for. 

Amy And so. I am,, Billy. Would 
you favor me witli a glass of water? 
Biv Certainly, my dear Aunt; I 
would doanytliiuK to favor you. Mr. 
Tipp, friend in joy and sorrow, will 
you please. Mr. Tipp, take this small 
i)ucket (hands him an exaggerated 
bucket) and go to '.he farm house, 
mile an' a half on che t'other side ol 
vonder hill, and ask the farmer, Mr. 
Tipp, for a few drops of his best nec- 
tacV Tell him you know Bivins, an' 
he'll embrace you. Look out for dogs, 
Mr. Tipp! 

Tip Mr. Bivins! 
Biv Mr. Tipp! 

Tip AVith pleasure, vir. [crosses to 
U. L.J I'll nevei- go to another picnic 
with Bivins; dern me! (nxit) 

Amy Now. Billy, come and amuse 
me until the arrival of tlie nectar ? 
You are so entertaining. 

Bivins seats himself beside her. 
Biv I flatter myself. Aunt; I flat- 
ter myself! I'll tell you about the fu- 
ror I raised in Cord wood township, 
last campaign. Made a stupendous 
hit, Aunt; stupendous! (Jef leads 
Polly to R. F.) All wood-choppers in 
Cordwood, and wlien the Hon. B. B. 
arose to address them, they tnrew 
their sweaty night-caps in the air- 
la, Aunt, everything has its damp ap- 
plication. 

xVmy Indeed, indeed ; it has Billy. 

Biv One little chopper hit me in 

the eye with a soft tomatto; it almost 

extinguished the light of the meeting! 

Amy That was too bad, Billy. 

Biv It was outrageous! But I 

hurled my venom at him, Aunt; 1 

hurled my venom ! 

Jef Miss Paulding, I hope you will 
not be offended, but I have been some 
what amused, or ratlier astonished^by 
incidents, not altogether proper. You 
are not aware that Mr. Bivins— 
Pol Well, sir ; wliat of Mr. Bivins ? 
Jef I suspicion him! I am led to 



believe you are his friend' and, there- 
fore, I advise you, for his sake and 
your own, not at any time to allow 
iiim out of your siglit. 

Pol You think his cousin— Pah! 
Pshaw ; it's no matter of mine! 

Jef "Actions speak louder tlian 
words," Miss Paulding. Watch him ! 

Pol I. will, sir; and— ttiank you, 
sir! [Jef. to L. B.] Billy Bivins, 
vou-you-you talk to me again of moon- 
shine ami duck-ponds and turn-stiles 
and garden-gates, and— I'll— I'll box 
your ears, sir! (retires to L. B.) 

Biv Anna, dear, will you favor us 
witli asong''' The one you sang last 
night will do. It was rather lifting, 
dear— rather! 

Ann Oh, William! 

Biv Is my sister a gis-gler? Must 
she be teased, entreated— like the doll 
of fashion, the young graduate, the 
amateur? Pah, my altog ther lovely ; 
let us have a song? 

Ann a dozen, William. 

Biv [aside] She always calls me 
William when she don't like me. 



SPECIALTIES, 



Ann Now, William, we will hear 
from vou! The song you sang last 
night will do. It was rather lifting— 
rather! 

Biv Excuse me, my dear sister; 
tliere's a good girl! 

Ann Is my brother a giggler ? Must 
he be teased, entreated— like the snob 
of fashion, the young graduate, the 
amateur? Pah, my altogether lovely 
William; let us have a song! 

Biv (aside) That's my altogeth- 
er lovely sister! Very well, dear; 
very well! I liave an orchestra in the 
wagon ; excuse me, while I trot it in. 

All With pleasure! 

Exit Mr. Bivins. 



Jkf (to Anna, Li. F.) Miss Anna, 
I have noticed some queer things to- 
dav, regarding your brother! 

Ann Why, sir ; what do you mean ? 

Jef Keep an eye on hiui! 

Ann: Indeed, sir; you refer to — 

Jkf Shoind he attempt to elude 
you; follow Itiui! He means unsehief — 

Ann To Mr. Tipp? I suspeeted 
it, sir! He treats Tipp abomiiial)]y ! 

Jef Hist; here lie comes! (to B.L.) 
Enter Bivins with iiistminent. 

Btv (F. C ) Here's au instrument 
which lias passed tiircnigh a dozen 
generytioiis of our family history. All 
the Bivins were musicians, except 
Josiah, who was swung into eternity 
at Newgate. Mv grandfather was a 
untster, he could stand on h.is head 
against a. barn door, and manipulate 
this affair in the tune of "Old Zeb 
Coon," with the ease and giace of a 
Cleopatra. It would have done your 
souls good to have heard my grand- 
fatlier glide into slnirps and flats. He 
would trebble up to 'em twelve flights 
above the staff, radiate for a few mo- 
ments in that etiierial region, and. 
having kicked up dust sufficient —all 
)n a sudden, and just when you wsn't 
exp-ciiiig it, come down ke-smash — 
striking every line on the staff, bound- 
ing and re-bounding upon every oc- 
tive— falling plump, plump, plump, 
plump, plump, plump; npon the last 
line, immediately sinking 40 degrees 
below zero! I'll sing yon otui of my 
grandfather's songs. 

(Sings.) 



THE EDITOR. 



I am a jolly editor— 
A pusher of the quUl— 

My path through Id-' is heavenly 
Exceptni^ when it's ill. 

My work is done profoundly— 
Of Franklyn I'm a chip— 



Competing all my articles; 
Except the ones I clip. 

Chorus. 

When I go by 
They say, O my ! 
And smile mo,-tpleasant'y ; 
Turn on their toes 
And pinch their nose, 
And yell : "Say. who is he 1" 
Meaning the editor; the jolly young 

editor— 
The spit-fire editor of the barking Bull 
D.g, 

And whi^n the neighlinrs silently 

Throw up the spont^e and die, 
1 obsequLse them truthfully; 

Excepting when 1 lie. 
1 write up hcandals mournfully 

Of fe\nale, man and kid, 
And splurge at all the gatherings ; 

To which I set a bid. 

1 dabble oft' in politics, 

And dabble oft' in vain- 
Bribes find me always indisposed; 

Exc('i)t in case of gain. 
I'm nut a host financially, 

With properties to rent. 
And yet I'm spldom busted; 

Save when I've not a cent. 

All applaud. 
All Bravo! &c. 



Other Specialties. 



Enter Tipp— very woe-begoue. 

All Here comes Tipp! 

Amy You !ook quite done for, Mr. 
Tipp! 

Tip And am, Madam ! I was per- 
sued by a dog! 

All a real dog, Mr. Tipp? 



Tip The subject is not poetical; 
let us drop it! Can I honor myself I 

Presents Aunt Amy with a glass of water. 

Biv Mr. Tipp! 

Tip Mr. Bivins! 

Biv If there's any honor in it; it 
belongs to me! (Tipp hands him the 
glass) I pay him $6 a week, and he's 
always working for himself. — (aside) 

Jef (To Anna) Do you note that? 

Biv With wishes of long life, ray — 

Jo hits Bivins with a fish— B. drops the 
glass— ladies scream— Jo comes forward. 

Biv Damme, sir; its Johnson ! Git 
out! Laiiies and Gentlemen: We 
will not linger here longer. The wag- 
on waits without! Come; let us to 
dinner! What slights have found us 
here, let them be forgotten — and as 
for you, Joseph Johnson, I will see 
you later! Here, Mr. Tipp! 

Tip Mr. Bivins! 

Jo goes back and prepares his line for de- 
parture. 

Biv [loading Tipp with baskets.] 
And this. Tipp; yes, and this! Come, 
friends ; the gliostly hour arrives when 
we consult the inner man! After 
you, Mr. Tipp! 

Kxit L. R.— Tipp, Anna, Bivins, Dora. 

Jef (to Aunt Amy.) Did you 
hear him speak? 

Amy Who? 

Jef If it does not offend you — 
Please, madam; Mr. Bivins! 

Amy Sir! 

Jef If you have his welfare at 
heart, let him not escape your vigil- 
lance! 

Amy I don't understand. 

Jef I'll explain as we go along. 

Exit L. R.— Aunt Amy and Jeffrey. 

Jo Sonny, we'll get out o' this. 
When you recognize a hint; one that's 
broadcast— don't take it. But when 
it is a lifting hint — bounding and re- 
bounding, as it were, from a No. 12, 
best cowhide — tiguratively speaking 
—take up thy bed and dust! Go on! 



[Jog)e3 behind tree and takes a drink] 
Boy, come here. Never forget what 
your mother told you about "rose- 
water." 
Dick No, indeed, sir! (to U.P.) 
Jo Hold on! And never forget, 
sonny; I am an old rascal who "Loved 
not wisely but too well"— Billy 
Shakespear! Goon! (exit U. L. sing- 
ing— "A fish without a tail," &c.) 
Enter Bivins followed by Tipp. 

Biv Neatly done, Mr. Tipp; neatly 
done! Show Bivins the way and he'll 
not lead you amiss. I'm a schemer, 
Mr. Tipp— I am; you have noticed 
that! Other people have noticed it, 
also. Sit down! [seated U. L.] Now, 
Mr. Tipp, for the emotional! 

Tip In fi-ve acts, Mr. Bivins! 

Biv Make it brief, Tipp ; as brief 
as possible. 

Tip (undoing MSS, reads:) 

Billy, the Boy Spider, 

Or The Vampires of Paris. 

A Drama in Five acts, 

By 

Biv Hon. B. Bivins, Esq. 

Tip Yea, Mr. Bivins. (reads) 

Billy, the Spider, with a wrat upon 
his back; who never had a mother, 
and cannot climb a tree. 

Biv He could crawl, Mr. Tipp? 

Tip As a spider, Mr. Bivins ![reads] 

25 Vampires 25— in tights— envious 
of the wart on Billy's back— Melon- 
choly young men — 

Biv Do they know their own 
mother, Mr. Tipp? 

Tip And their mother-in-law ! 

Biv Happy Vampires! 

Tip And can climb a tree — 

Biv And the villian, Mr. Tipp, 
with his basso prof undo, his evil eye, 
bis needles and his darts, his die-away 
voice, his cringing air, his -ha, ha, 
Mr. Mr. Tipp; the villian? 

Tip (reads) Dora, the slave of the 
Spider. 

Biv Tut. tut, sir; Dora Dorcas a 



villianV Sweet little Dorcas! Ko, 
no, no, Tipp; Ko! 

Tip But it isn't Dorcas, Mr. B! 

Biv We will say Dorcas for short 
— for short, Mr. Tipp. Look me in the 
face; blank, sir, in the face! A wo- 
man a villian! Mr. Tipp, don't imag- 
ine for a moment I shall attach my 
cross-bones to a drama, emotional or 
otherwise — in five acts— in which the 
leading lady is the villian ! 

Tip Mr. Bivins, don't you think — 

Biv Not I, Mr. Tipp! Give her a 
pair of pants and a beard ; hurl lier 
from her fair estate to a tippling, 
bleared-eyed, deep-dyed scallawag; 
with scars and warts, with boils and 
carbuncles, and with what not, Mr. 
Tipp, with what not! 

Tip You do not grasp, Mr. Bivins. 

Biv (rising) Hit me, sir; on the 
shoulder, in the eye; pull my hair, call 
me a liar, spit in my face, sir, and 
give me a platform, an' I'll grasp by a 
large majority! The idea of Bivins 
not grasping! Pah! 

Tip I beg a tiiousand pardons! 

Biv [seated] You have em ! Go on ! 

Tip (reads) Billy falls in love 
with Dora; Billy is a thief! 

Biv (rises) Mr. Tipp, Billy is no 
thief! He may appear as such, as 
such he may be accused, but Billy is 
no thief— Billv is stupendous! 

Tip But this Billy is a thief! 

Biv Remember, Mr. Tipp, my 
name is Billy! 

Tip Yes, sir! 

Biv (seated) I forgive you! 

Tip (reading) Once upon a time, 
so the story goes, like a spider crawl- 
ing between floor and ceiling, Billy 
wabbles into the midst of a great 
campmeeting. (ITote. The orchestra 
at this particular point are requested 
to toot slowly.) Billy pauses — Billy 
yells— Billy rushes forward— Billy 
seizes Dora by the hair! 

Biv What if the leading lady wear 
a wig, Mr. Tipp? 



Tip I have thought of that, Mr. B ; 
in such a case the leading lady shall 
not be seized by the hair, (Reads.) 
Billy flies over the heads of the mul- 
titude. Dora is held in his Spider em- 
brace. They corgeal in a deserted 
alley, 

Biv Congeal ! I like that. 

Tip (reads) There stands his 
faithful mule, Alazadango, who lost 
his tail in a skirmish with the Cabs. 
He lo(»ks intelligently at the stump as 
if he can remember the time when 
he could knock silly a buzz-fly off his 
ear.— 

Biv Billy does? 

Tip (examining MSS.) ^o, Ala- 
zadango. 

Biv Poor old Alazadam! 

Tip [reads] Billy has no time to 
lose; Alazalango jumps upon his 
back ; he belabors his sides — 

Biv Alazadam does ? 

Tip (same play) Ko, Billy. 

Biv Poor old Alazadam! 

Tip (reads) The multitude fly af- 
ter them! Billy kicks out right and 
left; the fore-runners of the multitude 
with a flourish of trumpets bite the 
dust! Tliey reach the liigh clifls of 
Santiago by moonlight! Alazadango 
shrieks 8ic Semper Tyranus— 

Biv Alazadam does? 

Tip (same play) No; Billy. 

Biv Poor old Alazadam ! 

Tip (reads) The sun sets. All is 
quiet; oidy tne silent breath of Ala- 
zadango is heard mocking the quiet 
motions of nature. Forty years af- 
ter, when — 

Biv Mr. Tipp! 

Tip Mr. Bivins. 

Biv That's bladerish! It won't do; 
forty years after is rediculous. That's 
something like a monstrosity, and in 
the legitimate avoid monstrosities. So 
far the emotional looks plausible, very, 
my dear boy; but forty years after — 
Jerusalem, John Rogers, be reasona- 
ble! 



Tip But, Mr. Bivins, the next 30 
scenes is in the United States. Billy 
is discovered running for Congress; 
the Vampires, in tights, second ward 
politicians; Dora is — 

Biv Hold on, sir! Now do you 
think, Mr. Tipp, it takes a Heathen 
Chinee, or a "Pollock" or a what not 
forty years to emmigrate to the United 
States, become naturalized and run 
for Congress? I am surprised at you; 
lam, indeed. They do it now in six 
montiis; they do it by electricity! 
"Hold. the mirror up to nature," Mr. 
Tipp, "hold the mirror up to nature!" 
Is Billy elected ? 

Tip Therein is the tragedy. Billy 
can not get a single county solid, 
while Dora lives to elucidate the camp- 
meeting racket, and Alazadango hoffs 
his reputation from a Santiago stand- 
point, by moonlight. I have heard 
the clock strike twelve pondering over 
tliis great disaster. 

Enter Polly. Anna and Aunt Amy L L. 

Biv What disaster, Mr. Tipp? 

Tip [consults MSSJ Dora will not 
marry xllazadango. 

Biv I wouldn't marry a jackass, 
either, (aside) 

Tip If Dora would only die, Mr. 
Bivins. I haven't got the heart to kill 
her. 
Aunt Amy, Polly and Amy get behind them. 

Biv Tipp, don't be chicken heart- 
ed! Who will say when I am gone 
Billy Bivins was a coward ? Dorcas 
is dead ! 

Amy [to Polly] How's that? 

Tip But, Mr. Bivins! 

Biv There's no but about it ; its 
rope, knife, bludgeon, fire-brand! It's 
done, Tipp; so we may as well speak 
of it in the past. This is the way the 
Spider did it; we'll say I'm the spider, 
(rises) I met Dora yonder in the 
glen. She was sitting under the 
sycamore on the other side of the 
fence. I dropped from the lower 



branches of the tree; I stood before 
her ; she shrieked ; I smiled — mark the 
effect combined with a Dutch orches- 
tra! "Madam," said I, "Why do you 
fritter thus your time away mid buzz 
of bee and sigh of waterfall?" 

Tip Did you; what did she say? 

Biv She simpered, ''Give us a 
rest!" (Tipp looks disgusted) I sizzed 
up like a seitlitz powder, and roared 
like a boiler shop, "Madam, do you 
take me for a mediaevial nondescript 
of monstrosus development!" 

Tip (applauds) Bravo! What 
did she say ? 

Biv She lisped affirmatively, "Over 
the reservoir," in French. Then I 
foamed, "Ho. ho; Dora Dorcas toward 
what end will "your unbridled audac- 
ity hurl itself" out of the horn! When 
will it, whf'ie will it, out with it! 

Tip [applauds] Capital! What 
did she say? 

Biv She gulped from behind her 
spring bonnet, "When the Robbins 
Nest Again." Upon the instant I 
took her by the throat, and drew from 
my pants' pocket a long ornamental 
cheese-knife, and severed the head 
with one terrific sweep; the blood— 
the blood ; ha, ha— the blood — 

Aunt Amy falls into Polly's arms— Tipp 
whistles and applauds. 

Tip Eureka! What did she say? 

Amy Murder! Help. 

Biv (taking Tipp by the collar) 
We are persued ! Come, Tipp; come! 
Now for Alazadam! [exitUR drag- 
ging Tipp after him.] 

Amy (all come forward) Follow 
them, ray dears; follow them! 

Pol They'll murder us if we do. 

xInn Heaven help us! 

Amy Go this way, that way, ev- 
eryway; rouse the neighborhood! 
They'll murder everyone of us. 

Ann; Don't say it; don't think it! 
Billy! Billy! [exit L L] 

Amy Dora ! Dora ! [exit U R] 

Pol Murder! Murder! [exit U L] 



Enter Jeffrey and Dora L L. 

Jef Hurrj', Dora dear; now's our 
time or never. It's but a step to the 
parsonage! [They hurry across the 
stage and exit.] 

Enter Bivins, U R, dragging Tipp after him. 

Biv Mr. Tipp, Mr. Tipp. will you 
please, sir, explain, sir; the cause of 
this pandemonium, sir? I have rea- 
sons to suspicion you, Mr. Tipp. Look 
main the face, sir; look me in the 
face! 

Tip If there's a sparrow, Mr. B.— 

Biv D—n the sparrow, Mr. Tipp; 
d — n the sparrow! 

Tip I don't understand ! 

Cries of 'Billy !"Murder!' 'Dora!' 'Help!' out- 
side, which Bivins answers in the following-: 

Biv Do you hear V Hello! Hello! 
Ho! I was told to watch you, sir — 
Hello! So I have, and if you refuse 
to belch— Hello! I'll shake it out 
ofvou! Ho! (shakes Tipp violently) 

Tip Hold otf, sir! 

Enter Annt Amy U K. 

Biv My dear Aunt — 

Amy Don't touch me! Murderer! 
Villian! Where is Dora— misguided 
Dora! 

Biv Tipp, don't touch me! Mur- 
derous, villianous Tipp. Whei'e is 
Dora? 

Tip Oh heaven! 

Amy Ir heaven! (crosses) Help! 
Murder! You have killed her; there 
is blood on your hands! 

Biv There is blood upon my slee/e, 
but no blood on my hands. Tipp, let 
me see your hands? it^o blood. Poor 
old soul; poor old soul! (taps his head 
knowingly.) I will see you home. 
Aunt! Watch her, Tipp; she may get 
ugly, (asidt — Lliey approach her.) 

Amy I die, villians; I die! 

Aunt Amy falls into Tipp's arms, uttering 
a respectable scream, Tipp allows her to fall 
upon the stage— Bivins kneels beside her, U 



L.— crossing to U R to admonish Tipp before 
the entrance of his sister. 

Biv Villian, support her! My dear 
Aunt, what's the matter? Open your 
jaw, AunL; open your jaw — speak to 
me! Eh! You won^t! Well, you 
can do just as you please about it. 
What did you say ? Nothing? Mr. 
Tipp, was it stump water you brought 
in the bucket? Eh! 

Enter Anna B., L L. 

Ann Murder! Murder! 

Runs forward and falls over Aunt Amy— 
during the following several speeches Tipp 
and Bivins run wildly about the stage. 

Biv Another one! Jerusalem, 
John Rogers; everybody 's going cra- 
zy! Water, water, water! 

Tip Fire! Fire! Fire! 

Biv Shut up! 

Enter Polly Paulding U L. 

Pol Blood —blood —blood ! 

Biv What in the d — 1 do you want 
blood for? VVatnr, water, water! 

Pol C'hors de combat") I'm not 
afraid of you, sir; nor you! I have 
said my prayers — I am ready ! 

Biv Poor girl, she's got 'em, too. 
My dear, compose yourself; I am only 
Billy Bivins, editor and proprietor — 
common, ordinary, every-day Billy 
Bivins. [lie advances, she retreats.] 
I will not hit you. 

Aunt Amy groans. 

Biv Mr. Tipp attend to the morgue. 

Tipp kneels beside, and fans the morgue 
with his coat-tails. 

Biv I will not pull your hair, nor 
bile you. Thou kuowest my love for 
thee; therefore compose thyself. 

Pol Go way! Compose myself, 
shall I; with tlie ax above my head; 
with an ornamental cheese-knife 
swimming before my eyes? Villian! 
Murderer ! Blood ! 

Biv Yes. Polly, I am a blood ; but 



no murderer or villian. 

Aunt Amy groans. 

Biv Tipp, give your uiidivided at- 
tention to the morgue. Silence lends 
enchantment to this job. 

Polly screams— Bivins followes her about the 
stage. 

Biv Dear Polly, sweet, altogether 
lovely Polly; explain yourself? [takes 
her hand.] 

Pol Don't touch me ! Take your 
hand away; there's blood upon it! 

Biv (Releases her hand) Poor 
girl, so far gone. 

Aunt Amy groans. 

Biv Another groan ? Attend more 
closely to tlie morgue, Tipp. 

Pol Where is Dora? 

Biv In heaven, for all I know, 
no sense being jealous other any long- 
er, Polly. 

Pol jSTo, Door girl; but you'll hang, 
murderer! 

Biv Poor Poll ! Poor Poll 1 (aside) 
Nothing like humoring lunatics. Yes, 
sweet Poll, altogether lovely Poll, I 
will hang by a large majority. 

Pol Wliy did you kill her, sir; she 
was always good to you— so kind, so 
docile— the sweetest girl I ever met? 

Biv How sad! Tliis is a pure case 
of stump water. 

Pol She's dead, she's dead ; dead 
as a stone— dead as a stone ! 

Biv You don't mean it! 

Pol Murd'ered ! 

Biv You're not out of your senses! 

Pol No. 



Biv Sure you hain't? 

Pol As I know you to be 

Biv Oh, little Dorcas; little Dor- 
cas! Where is lie — where is the mur- 
derer? 

Pol Look at yourself, sir; blood 
on your sleeve, blood in your eyes, 
blood on your hands, blood — 

Biv You're mad as a March hare; 
you're all crazy! Bivins a murderer? 
Billy Bivins, editor and proprietor? 
Shoo! Git out! 

Hum out-side, which increases toward the 
end of the scene. 

Pol In a moment you'll be taken. 
The neighborhood has been aroused; 
they advance with pitchforks. Bun 
for your lives! 

Biv Holy Moses Jerusalem, John 
Rogers; you don't mean it! 

Pol Have you ears ? 

Biv But I don't understand. I 
know I'm mad, and you're mad, and 
the morgue's mad and Tipp and all of 
us — we're all mad! 

Rushes to the morgue, collars Tipp and drags 
him to U R E. 

Biv You — you rogue you, you've 
poisoned us all with stump water— 
you'll be hung higher than St. Paul! 

Pol You have no time to lose! I 
love you still. 

Biv (embrace C.) Polly ! (U R E) 
Tipp, scoundrel, villian; come, we go 
to the devil ! 

Bivins collars Tipp and drags him off— farm- 
ers, snouting, i-ush on from the opposite side, 
armed with pitchforks, &c. Polly throws her 
arms about the morgue with a respectable 
scream. 



QUICK CURTAIN. 



here, (the chapel steps) and rest my 
weary bones. I am a poor, persecu- 
ted cuss, Mr. Tipp — a popi", persecuted 
cuss ! 

Tip I will rest beside you, Mr. B. 

Biv No, Mr. Tipp, you will not 
rest beside me. It was all right for 
you to help me out. of that duck pond, 
because I pay you six dollars a week; 
but you can not sit beside me in the 
shadow of this holy edifice. There's 
blood all ovei- you! Why did you kill 
her, Tipp? 

Tip It's madness to ask it, siiM 

Biv Yes, Tipp, I am mad. People 
have been mad, are mad and will go 
mad, but a mader man than Billy Biv- 
ins never lived. (feigns madness) 
How's that? I trust tl\e court will 
(•ome forward with a plea of momen- 
tary insanity and let me go. (is seated) 

Sound of voices within. 

Tip Did you hear that! 

Biv No, sir, I did not hear that! 
I tell you I'm a lunatic; I'm blinder 
than a bat and, tlierefore can not iiear. 
(Tipp seats himself beside Bivins, who 
rises) No, nn, Tipp, as I said before, 
I refuse to sit beside a Lucretia Bor 
gia! Perch yourself upon the fence; 
you will flndthe top board very soft, 
Mr. Tip]), [sits down] 

Tip [perched upon the fence] "Oh, 
when will this cruel war be over!" 

Music within. 

Biv Sweei, sweet music; how it 
reminds me of the scenes of my child- 
hood, when the Bull Dog was yet a 
little purp! 

Tip Mr. Bivins, are chey liaving a 
love-feast in there? 

Biv Mr. Tipp, let the gentle dis- 
cords remind you of your guilt. 

Tip Billy, don't you feel empty ? 

Biv Billy! I hive been paying 
him. six dollars a week since last June. 
He has floated in luxuries— actually 
floated; drank of the fountains of 



wealth— literally gulped them in— 
and now when I am nobody from no- 
where and on my way to don't know, 
he has the audacious audacity to call 
me Billy ! Mr. Tipp, I forgive you. 
Sing, sweet music, sing softly to a 
mind displaced! Ah, me! 

Tip Billy, dear boy, do you not 
feel a goneness? 

Biv I,do not feel a heaviness, Mr. 
Tipp; but we will starve together! 

Tip I wish I was in heaven! 

Biv Comedown! Comedown! If 
you reach Fiddler's Green you'll dis- 
appoint the man who 's airing your 
bed in Kingdom Come! Come down! 

Music stops. 

Tip Church is out! 

Biv So is Bivins! Out on the road 
— out in the cold! I'm a poor mis- 
guided oi-piian, Mr. Tipp, a poor mis- 
guided orphan ! 

Dora appears at the Chapel door, Tipp seeing 
her, and taking her for a §rhosi, falls back- 
ward from the fence, after the following 
speech: 

Tip Ghost! Ghost! Take her 
away! Take her away! 

Tipp scrambles behind the fence. 

Biv Poor Tipp, that stump-water 

is gettino: tiie best of hitn. He's mad! 
Mad? We're all mad! 

Tipp peeps over the fence and sees the ghost 
again, and makes a hurried exit after yelling : 

Tip Ghost! Ghost! 

Jeffrey appears at the Chapel door and pre- 
vents Dora from speaking. 

Biv [standing up] Kun, Tipp, 
run; but you can not run away from 
yourself! T pay him six dollars a 
week, and now he deserts me to the 
mercies of this cruel, cruel world. 1 
wonder what the court will say when 
I take the box? (seated) ! he ladies 
will whisper, "That's him; tlmt's Biv- 
ins! Isn't he sweet!" But I shall 



not feel sweet; and when I am behind 
the bars, the female sex will cover me 
with flowers, buttercups and sweet- 
forget-me-nots, and I shall smile; but 
I siiall not feel like smiling. I am 
glad Tipp escaped— Tipp would al- 
wa5's pushing liimself forward; he has 
so much cheek! I may apoear so, 
but I do not feel cheeky. And when 
the day of execution comes, I will 
stand upon tlie scaffold, and say: 
(stands up) Ladies and Gentlemen: 
Tills is all that is left of Billy Bivins. 
Xo longer you hear the Bull Dog bark- 
ing on the plains, in the cabin or in 
the bar-room! This is the candle yon 
are about to give to the snuffers — 
snuff it gently ! Applause! I loved 
little Dorcas, an I even thongli she 
glided into what-not through an over- 
dose of stump-water, it was no fault 
of mine! Loud and continued ap- 
plaus! Turn your eyes, ladies and 
gentlemen, upon this cringing, pros- 
trate form: this despisable. despica- 
ble monstrosity, Tipp! Prolonged 
hisses! See in him the instrument of 
all my woes! At one rash moment 
he plunged his cursed steel into the 
heart of Billy Bivins, and the Bull 
Dog turned over on his back and 
kicked his gentle spirit into eternity! 
My great heart swells! I forgive him! 
Then the populous will hurl th^ir 
sweaty night-caps in the air, and the 
ghost of little Dorcas, with gossamer 
wings, will hover over us. 

Dora comes forward and embraces B. 

Dora You dear, old Billy Bivins ! 

Bivins, freeing- himself, crawls toward L R E. 

Biv Ha, ha! Huzzah! 

Enter Parson and Miller's Daughter. 

Dora What's the matter, coz? 

Biv (gesticulating frantically) Ha, 
ha! (exit-within) "Help! Help! Ha, 
ha! Ho! 



All rush to L R E. 

Par Is it a lunatic? lama good 
man— ah ; but are you sure it is a lun- 
atic? 

Jef I am afraid to offer a sugges- 
tion; but, by my life, he acts queerly! 

Dora (laughing) Come here! 
There he goes, pell mell, over the 
fence, into the ditch ! No, he clears it ! 
Now he rushes for the underbrush! 
I vow he has lost his eyes with his bet- 
ter judgement, for in he goes head- 
first! 

Par The first blackberry steels his 
coat tails! Poor lunatic! 

Dora He pushes the hazle aside! 

Par And it flies back and slaps 
him in the face! Insanity where is 
thy wit! 

Jef I am all amazement, Dora 
dear! 

Dora And I! 

Tip (afar off) Billy! Billy! 

Par What's that! 

Jef (to Dora) Thac's Tipp, com- 
ing back. Stand in the door-way of 
the chapel— undoubtedly i'ts I they 
fear — and when Tipp passes, speak to 
him. We will stand aside. 

Dora takes the position as requested, Jeffrey, 
Parson and Miller's Daughter upon the 
porch of the parsonage. 

Tip (nearer) Billy! Billy! 

Dora Here he comes as if persued 
by the Furries! 

Par (to Jeff.) Is't another lunatic ? 

Jef Indeed, my good man, the 
M^onds are full of them. Stand closer! 

Par There's no danger? 

Jef Tliey are not so mucli persu- 
ers as they are persued. 

Tip (nearer) Billy! Billy! 

Dora [who has been standing on 
tip-toes to better watcli the coming 
Tipp] Poor Tipp, how woe- begone he 
looks ! 

Tip (just outside) Billy! Billy! 

Enter Tipp, hat off and collar flying-. 



Bora (stepping down) Mr, Tipp! 

Tip (rusbing frantically to L R E) 
Take her away ! Take her away ! (exit) 

Jef Mr. Tipp! 

Tip [within] They can not say I 
did it! They ean not say T did it! 

All run to L K E. 

Dora There he goes, over the sanae 
fence, into the same ditch — no. he 
clears it, and rushes for the under- 
brush ! 

Tip (afar off) Billy! Billy! 

Dora In he goes at the same place ! 

Par And if its not too dark, that 
same old blackberry steals a coat tail! 

Dora He follows the beaten paih! 

Par And the hazels slap him in the 
face! 

Dora Poor Tipp! 

Tip [scarcely audible] Billy ! Billy ! 

Par Poor lunatic! 

Jef [with the rest, coming for- 
ward] This is beyond my compre- 
hension ! 

Dora & Par And mine ! 

Jef They are surely laboring un- 
der a delusion. 

Par Mad people always are, sir; 
unless they are stone mad. I have a 
book on the subject, which says in the 
second chapter— 

Jef But, sir! 

Par What, sir ! 

Jef You don't understand! 

Par But the book— 

Jef Hang the book ! 

Pol [within] Tipp went this way ! 

Ann (within) 1 don't believe it! 

Par More lunatics! 

Jef I tell you the woods are full 
of them. 

x\.MY [within) Don't desert me, 
my dear; I'm going to faint! 

Dora Aunt Amy! Oh, Lewis, 
it's Aunt Amy ! [conceals herself be- 
hind the parsonage] 

Jef (to Parson) Now, sir; the 
cloud will roll away. 

Par Where's the cloud ? 



Jef (to Dora) Don't be frightened, 
Dora dear ; I shall have every thing 
explained, [coming forward] My 
friend what are you looking for? 

Par I am looking for the cloud. 

Enter Aunt Amy supported by Polly and 
Anna, U L. E. 

Jef Well met, ladies ! 

Ajiy Hold me. my dears, I'm go- 
ing to faint ! (forgeting to faint) Mr. 
Lewis, my dear, good Mr. Lewis, we 
have been hunting high and low for 
you! Have you seen Dora; do you 
know wliere she is? 

Jef I think she is beyond dangei , 
Madam. 

Amy Hold me. my dears ; I'm go- 
ing again ! 

Jef Ladies, I don't understand. 

Par Xo, ladies we don't un der 
stand, (aside > I never saw the woods 
so full of lunatics. 

Pol (supporting Aunt Amy) She 
has been murdered, sir; murdered! 

Par You don't say! 

Jef Tliat's hardly possible, ladies, 
unless you insist murder and mar- 
riage are synonymous. 

Pol We have been hunting for the 
corpse all afternoon and — 

Jef And lost yourselves? 

Pol Yes, sir. Did Mr. Tipp pass 
this way? 

Jef He did; whom do you sus- 
picion of having committed so foul a 
deed ? 

Amy (reviving rather unnaturally) 
Vile Tipp! Vile Bivins! My dears- 
no, my dear, I'm not going this time.. 
Dora comes forward. 

Jef Ladies, allow me to 

Amy Hold me, my dears ; I'm go- 
ing! 

Ann Dora! 

Pol My dear woman, look up! 

Polly allows her a sitting position— Dora 
kneels beside and takes her hand. 

Dora Dear Aunt, I am safe; I am 



here! Speak to me; forgive me! 

Amy I have fainted , keep away 
from me! 

Dora (taking Amy's hand) Dear 
Aunt, dear Amy ; you couldn't blame 
us.you knovi' ! Vou know, dear Aunt, 
we always— well, my dear Aunt, if a 
person loves another— oh, my, you 
know — 

Amy arises and embraces Dora. 

Amy No I don't, hussy ; you don't 
know what you're talking about— 
no more do I ! 

Dora But, dear Aunt 

Amy (Pusliing her away) Don't 
but me, hussy— un^jratefu!, deceitful 
— . (embraces Dora) 

Dora We are expected to marry 
some dav, Aunt. 

Amy " (same play) AVho said you 
wasn't, hussy, you see, hussy, you 
don't know wliat you're talking about 
-and, hussy, we've been running Mr. 
Tipp and Mr. Bivins all over the 
United States, and we've had armed 
men running tliem, too, hussy; and 
here you've been sky-larking with— 

Jef (laughing) Madam, allow me 
an explanation! This little girl is my 
wife; we were wed in yonder chapel -- 

Amy Hold me, my dears, I'm go- 
ing again ! , , , 

Pol Hold yourself, mam! (crosses) 
Sir! Sir! Sir! What did you mean 
by telling me to watch Mr. Bivins ? 

Ann And me, sir! 
Amy And me, sir! 

Aunt Amy takes Dora aside and lectures her. 

Jef So you would not watch me. 
"All is fair in love and war;"' or, at 
least, so says the poet. 

Pol The poet, sir! The poet! 
And who was the poet! Do you know 
what you've done? You don't? (Dora 
escapes from Aunt Amy) Well, I'll 
tell you; you've busted one of the hap- 
piest unions this side of Adam and 
Eve! 



Jef (embraces Dora) And formed 
one of the happi^^st! 

Pol I'm disgusted, sir! 

Jef So am I ! 

Amy (crossing) Sir I 

Jef As they say it at the barber's, 
"Ne^ct!" 

Amy Sir ! 

Jef Madam, do not say what you 
may regret to unsay. What we are to 
each other, no power of woj'ds can al- 
ter. That I am worthy of her my char- 
acter and station will explain ; let that 
content you for the present. I assure 
you, you shall know all in time. Fol- 
low this ^ood man into his parsonage 
—if the good man is willing? 

Par Perfectly, my dear boy. 

Jef And I will search for the per- 
sned(Hsi'h:))— anVi ifl can lassoo Uiem— 
will bring thorn heic and straighten 
this mysterious affair. 

Pol Sir; you know— 

Jef No more. Miss ! 

The Miller'a Daughter leads the way into the 
parsonaa-8, followed by Anna, Aunt Amy, 
Dora and the parson after the following: 

Jef My good man, I shall repay 
you well. 

Par As I am a good man I be- 
lieve it. 

Jef By the way. speak well of me 
to the old lady ? 

Par I'll h;ive her settled before 
your return, (exit) 

Jef Now for Messrs. Tipp and 
Bivins! (exit L E.) 



Jo (drunk and singing) 

A fish without a tail! 

(Hie) A sturgeon for a whale. 
Tra, 1m. loo ; a whale ! Hurrah for the 
whale! Dicky, shut up! 

Enter Uncle Jo and Dicky U R. 

Jo Dickv, hie! Dicky, it's getting 
late, and i wan't to (hie) to bed! 
Dicky, (hie!) [singsj 



Fishy, fishy, in the brook, 
Go to thunder ! Hurrah! 

Dick Uncle Jo, you're awful full; 
you won't be able to walk home to- 
night—you're drunk and you can't de- 
ny it! 

Jo You'd be drunk, too, if you'd 
caught a whale (hie) that's been struck 
by lisfhtning, and had a fish pond hit 
you in the back (hie) when you wasn't 
iooUiiig. (Sillgr>^ 

A lish without a— whale, 
A minnow (bic) for a — tail! 
You'd be drunk, too! (hie) Tra, la, 
loo, a Whale ! 

Dick Do you knnvv.bum, my moth- 
er '11 be waiting supper for me"? 

Jo Don't go home drunk, Dicky! 
Dicky — (hie) 

Dick I know she'll, be waiting. 

Jo Let her wait; let her wait! (hie) 
Let her wait! 

Dick No. I won't; I'm going on 
ahead, and you can gpt home the best 
way you can. and I judge that's no 
way at all. 

Jo All right, Dicky : don't put your- 
self out on my account. I'm a poor, 
old print, I am; I've been misled, I 
have— [sings] 

With a fish without a tail, 
(hie) An I a whale and a stergeon. 
Hurrah, for the sturgeon! [stagger 
back and lays down near the cliapei 
steps.) G(Jod night, sweet (hie) — 
goood night! 

Dick No,I won't leave the old man 
either — poor old cuss! He's got his 
head on a stone, and I flatter myself 
it hain't as soft as it might be. (takes 
off liis coat placing it under Jo's head.) 
His head will be big enough to-mor- 
row from wliat's inside, so I'd better 
keep the outside clear — poor old cuss! 
(strokes his head and sings ;) 

"Go to sleep my baby I" &c 

Enter Bivins and Tipp U. R.— both in a very 
delapidated condition ; Tipp's coat slit down 
the back and one coat-tail missing— both of 
Bivins' 

Biv (C) Hist! 



Tip Hist! 

Biv Now, Tipp, when you see the 
ghost, jump on it's back, and I'll— but 
don't you worry about me! 

Dick [singing.] 

"Go to sleep my baby !" &c 

Biv [getting behind Tipp] What's 
that! 

Tip O lor' ; I don't know ! 

Biv [Pushing Tipn toward Dicky] 
Go on, Tipp; go on! Remember, junip 
on it's back! 

Dick Is that vou, Mr. Bivins? 

Tip Dicky! The devil! 

Biv [autlioritively] Boy, what are 
you doing here? 

Dick Please, sir, Mr. Johnson, sir; 
had an accident! 

Biv Very common occurrence, boy ; 
very common ! 

Dick He's drunk, sir. 

Biv Sweet oblivion— sweet obliv- 
ion! Sonny, look in his inside pocket; 
if there is no bottle there he hasn't 
any. [Dick hands him an empty bot- 
tle] He has! Let me have it, boy? 
Oblivion, oblivion, sweet oblivion; 
[tries to drink] alas, oblivion has found 
a wav into the bottle, before I found 
the bottle! 

Tipp passes the parsonage window during 
the above four speeches, and makes a 
discovery — within, Dora is surrounded by her 
female friends and the parson, to whom, it 
seems she is settling old debts with explana- 
tions He immediately makes known andex- 
ibits the discovery to M Bivins. 

Tip What's this! What— Dora 
Dorcas talking, laughing! Eh? It's 
true, because I see her; it's true be- 
cause I hear her laughing! 

Leads Bivins U. L. 

Tip Hist! 

Biv Hist! That's no ghost! 

Tip We have been the subject of 
a joke, sir. 

Biv Shut up! Tipp you have made 
a terrible fool of yourself ! 

Tip Mr. Bivins! 

Biv Stand here, Tipp, and I'll turn 



my talents to eaves -dropping. 

Bivlns enters the parsonage gate— crawls 
under the window, which is partly open— 
Tipp leans agi^inst the fence. 

Tip Do vou hear 'em, sir? 

Laughing within. 

Biv Tipp. you liave made a per- 
fect ass of yourself! 
Tip I believe it; we have both - 
Biv Shut up! 
Tip Mr. Bivins! 

Laughing within. 

Biv What's this! The play! She 
tnew we were going to read a p lay, 
because — Tipp had read it to her and 
told her so— that the leading laily was 
in name the same as herself — that she 
— Holy Moses. Jerusalem, John Rog- 
ers- -JifErey put a bug in the. ears of 
the uninterested parties to overhaul 
us, so — Jeremiah Hanover ---so he 
could elope with her and marry her! 
Tipp, you'll be the laughing stock of 
the whole village! What's this! She 
was sure that her name-sake in the 
play would meet some terrible end, 
and— [laughing within] Christopher 
Columbus, Borneo, Sacramento— and— 
[laughing within] Damme. Mr. Tipp; 
damme — it was the play ! [comes to 
IT.C] They were at our elbows, 
dunce, taking it all in! 

Tip You don't say so! 

Biv No, sir ; they said so ! Have 
we, my noble play-wright,been wading 
duck-ponds, fallirg into ditches, bump- 
ing our heads against stone walls — 
have we, sir; and annihilating this 
Sunday-go-to-meeting outfit, which 
has dazzled the entire village of Jerry- 
ville for the last six months! Have we, 
play-wright. and for what — damme, 
sir; for a five act drama! We'll be 
the laughing stock of the whole 
world! We'll be pointed at, sneered 
at, scowled at, and the Whipoorwill '11 
come out next week with six columns 



of ridicule, headed : "The peculiar ad- 
ventures of Billy Bivins, or The demor- 
ilization of the Drama in America!" 
And the Bull Dog, that has barked so 
victoriously in the past, will be com- 
pelled to stick his tail between his legs 
and slunk under a wash-tub; and all, 
sir — damme, for an emotional drama! 

Tip Not so fast, Mr. Bivins ; I have 
an idea! 

Biv Think for me, Tipp; think for 
me— I'll sign my cross-bones to it. 

Tip And take the credit of it, too. 
(aside) Say, we hasten home, change 
our clothes, bathe our wounds and 
when the ladies return they find us on 
the piazza smoking a brace of Havan- 
as. 

Biv You'll treat! 

Tip ni treat! 

Biv I forgive you. Tipp! Shake! 

Tip Thanks! 

Biv It's an excellent idea; I'm 
glad I thought of it. Come on; no 
time to lose! Come on! (to Dicky) 
Boy, if any body asks you, if you have 
seen Bivins say, No, sir, ree! and I'll 
raise your wages. I wouldn't be 
caught here for fifty dollars! Come 
on, Tipp, we'll turn the tables; we will, 
indeed! It takes a whole regiment to 
corner Bivins, except, Tipp, in case of 
an emotional. Come on! 

They meet Jeffrey U. R. E. 

Biv Jerusalem, John Kogers! 

Jef Gentlemen, I have been hunt- 
ing for you! Come into the parson- 
age ; the ladies await you there. 

Biv Mr. Lewis— I mean, Jeffrey— 
I beg your pardon , but I iiave an en- 
gagement. 

Jef You have! 

Biv The fact is, Mr. Lewis— I 
mean, .Jeffrey— Mr. Tipp has met an 
accident! 

Jef (aside) They both look as if 
they'd met something! 

Biv Yes, sir; we were about to sit 



dovvn to dinner, when we saw a Jer- 
sey Bull, on the other side of the hill, 
rushing toward our party with all ihe 
vehemence of a locum )tive, and loco- 
motive like, we rushe 1 toward the 
Jersey! My dear Tipp was clutched 
in his fond embrace. You will ob- 
serve that the left tail of his coat is 
missing, and that there is a minute 
opening down the back, running diag- 
onally with the back-bone! Mr. Tipp, 
turn around! 
Tip (aside) Am I a cartoon I 
Biv And if you will observe furth- 
er, this raiment which hangs so losely 
about this noble form; noting the pros- 
pectus, or rear view, especially, (he 
turns his back to the parsonage and 
audience.) 

Jeffrey goes to and opens the parsonage door, 
and motions the ladles to come out. 



Biv (same position) Where did T 
leave off ? 

Tip At especially, 

Biv (same position) The left tail 
of the coat remains! 



Enter Dora, Anna, Polly, Aunt Amy, Parson 
and Miller's Daughter— All walk softly to- 
ward and stand behind Tipp and Bivins . 



Tip You look amazingly from the 
rear, Mr. Bivins ! 

Biv (same position) Stupendous! 

Tip Like a rabbit! 
'"^Biv (same position) Tipp, if I 
looked as hard as you -ha. ha, ha! 
The idea of losing one of your eoat 
tails — ha, ha. ha! You see mine still 
float on the breezes, (tries to find 
them) Jerusalem, John Rogers, I've 
lost both of mine! 

Amy Billy, you look top-heavy! 

All laugh heartly. 

Biv (turning) O lor'! 

DoKA (embracing Bivins) You 



dear old Billy Bivins! 

Biv Ah, little Dorcas. 

Tip In the words of the poet. 
Caught! 

Biv (embraces the ladies separate- 
ly, then all ac once.) My dear Aunt! 
My dear sister! My dear unknown! 
My dears! 

"Don't view me with a critic's eye, 
But pass my imperfections by!" 

Dora You forgive me, coz? 

Biv I forgive everybody ; I em- 
brace everybody! (embraces every- 
body) Except you, Mr. Jeffrey — I 
mean, Lewis — Jeffrey; that's it! 

Jef I beg your pardon! Im a your 
brother editor, as they would say it at 
the play, your cousin, too; who like 
unto the bird wliose nest 's been rav- 
ished of its mate, flew to the place of 
her imprisonment, and used all means 
both fair and foul to lure her back 
again. You have forgiven the cause, 
forgive the following disgrace? 

Biv What a speech for Alazadam 
as he approaches Santiago by moon 
light. Eh. Tipp? Old boy, I forgive 
you! Shake! (to U L) But don't 
say any thing about it! ' • 

Tip [U R] Hain't anybody going 
to ask my forgiveness? 

Biv (crossing) Shut up! There's 
my delicious Polly Paulding! (crosses 
back.) 

Ann I ask your forgiveness. 

Tip (taking her hands) And we'll 
be married in the spring, won't we? 
All poets are wed in the spring. 

Ann So you said this morning, sir. 

Tip Spring's over! Take me as I 
am, at six dollars a week! (embrace) 

Biv [leading Polly to U Cj Mr. 
Tipp! 

Tip Mr. Bivins, don't be so fresh ! 

Biv I forgive you! Polly dear, 
look at me! I am not so sweet as I 
was this morning, but I feel sweet; my 
great heart gallops for you. 

And though my back 
Looks out of whack, 



It's not the coat tails which oroclaim 
the man ! 

Pol I'll take you without them, 
Billy. 

They embrace. 

Amy ^to Parson) Isn't it shock- 
ing. Parson ! 

Tip (with Anna crossing to U C.) 
Mr. Bivins! 

Biv Mr. Tipp ! 

Tip I'm ashamed of you ! 

Biv Shut up! Friends and Sub- 
scribers: Before the curtain falls up- 
on our modest comedy, I beg leave to 
inform you, the Bull Dog still barks ; 
and when you are born— 

Tip Go to college or out of town — 

Biv Graduate with the highest 



honors— 

Tip Start in business— 

Biv Get married— 

Tip Have a birth or a birthday 
party— 

Biv An accident— 

Tip Or a divorce— 

Biv Or pass in your checks— send 
us a postal — 

Tip I'll write it up! 

Dick & Jo [Coming forward] 
We'll set it up! 

Biv And I'll take the credit of it! 



CURTAIN. 



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